2. What wasn’t anticipated however, was me being so sick today. Woke up sweating my brains out and feeling like I had just got kicked in the stomach. I joked with Q, saying that it was his fault cause he had bought that silly lotto ticket after dreaming we had a baby.
3. Am convinced I got sick from the cheap eggs that I bought at GS 25 the other day. They had smelt kind of funny but I scarfed them down anyways.
4. Heading into training today with a stomach that I’m convinced was growling louder than the club music, was definitely not a good idea. I got through my training, barely. Mind ya, ended up puking afterwards… not fun.
5. Ended up heading back to bed. I scooped Mi Nam up in my arms and went for a late afternoon nap.
6. Our late afternoon nap ended up turning into a 4 hour nap and I was awaken by the sound of Q opening my door and taking off his shoes. “So much for our romantic dinner”, I thought. I really wasn’t hungry anyways but I knew he was. Ended up getting call food.
7. Watching myself on TV was quite amusing but being a perfectionist and the stubborn mule that I often can be, I was a bit disappointed with KBS1 for their poor editing and whatnot. Besides getting my boyfriend and my boxing club’s names wrong, they left out some key things and instead filled in the time with some pretty mundane things, one of which was an interview with a failing student in my class and the silly tree in my apartment. Moreover, apparently whoever did the editing must know little to none about boxing. They had interviewed Panty Boy Jr. but totally cut him out of the episode… anyone who knows anything about boxing in Korea knows him. He’s like the younger Korean version of Golden Boy and so I know tomorrow I’ll be getting an earful at training.
8. I know, I know… it’s only 10 minutes long and so it’s hard to edit but I came across as a kind of tough smarta$$ who goes around punching guys, including my boyfriend. I mean, they were quite interested in showing my tattoo but totally took out the reason why I got it, which is a huge part of why I came to Korea… to start a new life. Considering the fact that my boyfriend’s family, friends, and my coworkers don’t even know I have it, I really wish they had gone about it differently. Why I came to Korea is kind of an important thing, don’t you agree? I didn’t just come here on a whim. But enough complaining…. Sorry. That’s the perfectionist in me, I guess. When it’s all said and done though, it was pretty cool being on the show. The filming was kind of strange at times but I did really like the crew. I think had the crew not had been as cool as they were, it would have been a totally different experience… special thanks to you Jaz! You’re seriously one cool gal!
9. Later on in the evening a real-life drama broke out in my house… it wasn’t pretty, let me tell ya that! I know Q tries his best to understand my point of view, and much love to him for that, but sometimes he is just “so Korean”… I’d hate to say that but it’s true. Here I am, in HIS country, eating HIS country’s food, wearing HIS country’s fashion styles, learning HIS country’s language and HIS country’s culture… when do I get to do MY country’s things?! Oh, when I go on holidays?! Nice. Anyway, tonight’s drama was about Q insisting that one day we’ll have a baby. He said he was shocked at the Pension City to find out that I didn’t like children. “No, that wasn’t about me not liking children” I proclaimed, “that was about children and bad parents!” I like children, seriously, I do. I admire their innocence and sweetness but that doesn’t mean I want one. I'm just not one of those girls that wants to be a mother, but why does that make me to be the bad person?
“Why do you want a child?” I asked him.
“Because I love you. Child looks like you and me.” He stated.
“If you want something that looks like you and me take a picture of us!” I added.
I know this is the Korean way; get married, have a baby. But I am not Korean.
Top Ten Reasons why I Don’t want a Baby:
1. My exercising and training is a HUGE part of my life that I am not willing to give up or put aside. My team mates at the club are like my family and so not training with them but hearing about them training would totally depress me.
2. Physically, my body is unable to bear a child and, unlike many people, I don't want to go through years of doctor testing, hospital bill spending, and stress only to come out with an empty wallet, empty crib, killed nerves, bruised patience and a relationship that has been weakened because of it all.
3. Everything changes when you have a child… everything! I love my life but sometimes feel like I still haven't fully adjusted to the Korean way of things so why would I want to change it when my life still hasn't settled in?!!!
4. My life is challenging enough here with having to study the language and learn the culture, adding a baby in my life would just further complicate things and give me so much stress.
5. I rather have another dog.
6. A baby is time, money and effort… that’s time, money and effort I am not willing to give. I like sleeping in late and freely going about my day. I like not pushing the pay check and buying whatever. I like just being responsible for me and Mi Nam.
7. My job doesn’t exactly have maternity leave as an option and I really don’t want to risk losing my job cause, well, it’s a pretty sweet job!
8. Having a child means hanging out with other mothers and their children… Pension City (aka weekend in Hell) all over again… and again, and again!!! No thanks!
9. I’m sure my parents and family would feel pretty rotten and sad knowing that I am way the heck over here raising a baby without their help. Already I am
feeling this with my oldest brother’s baby. Since she’s been born I’ve met her twice and so it’s uncomfortable and sad to know that she knows her local mailman more than me, her own aunt.10. I’m sorry but I just don’t want to raise a child in Korea. I understand the pressures they put on children with regards to schooling (hagwan after hagwan and being hit in the public schools by the teachers) and I don’t want my child subjected to that. I’d have to post a post-it note on my child’s shirt that reads, “My mom is a professional boxer with a mean right hook” cause heaven help the teacher that lays their hand on my child.
10. And so, on that note, I gave Q two options: a. a baby, b. me. I figured it was a pretty easy thing to pick, after all, I was faced with picking a. Canada or b. him and I picked him. I picked him over my home, my family, my friends, my comfort,.. everything and anything I left behind in Canada, I picked him over it ALL. He said he wanted both a and b. I told him that wasn't fair and he was being selfish about his decision. Moreover, I felt pretty insulted that it was so easy for me to pick him over MANY things and yet he couldn't even pick me over a person he hasn't even met yet. I don't want more than just him. "I want someone who'll pick me. I think that's fair and so if you can't pick me than I don't want to pick you anymore" I mumbled. And then he left.
QUESTION OF THE DAY...
Why does he want more than me?
QUOTE OF THE DAY...
Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.
-- Ed Asner quote
5 comments:
Well, both of your point of views aren't wrong. He loves you and wants a mini version of you and him someday, that's pretty straight up. I don't think you should completely rule it out, because you never know when someday rolls around how you'll feel about it, but then he should also understand that you want to live your life without that added pressure right now.
And I don't necessarily think it's that he wants more than you. A baby wouldn't be picking someone over you, if anything it would be having a part of you and him existing in the world, that the love you share made. But if you're not ready, you're not ready. Just don't make the option completely hopeless for the guy :)
My question would be: Can you live without him. This isn't a Korean thing, this is just a people thing. My mom's friend never resolved this issue with her husband. They married and he ended up leaving her because he wanted to have kids. I have another friend who's on the verge of divorce because of the same issue.
I'm not big on babies myself, but I know that if I were in love, I'd be willing to have a kid IF my husband was willing to do baby duty. I mean, if I can carry the kid for 9 months, he can handle feeding & diapering, right? ;) I'm much more excited about having kids than babies.
That said, my unsolicited advice is that if you want to stay with Q, set a timeline of your choosing for when you'll have kids. Some friends of mine got married young and decided they wouldn't have kids until they were 25. Just pick a year and stick with it! :)
As for your body, you're SO fit you should be fine. I know a marathon runner that I kid you not, was still doing a mile trot at 9 months pregnant, while pushing her 1st child in a stroller! Two weeks after she delivered she was running again!!! And then there was my PE teacher/coach who was doing crunches with us until 6 months...
Well, Amy, I'm not going to tell you "you might change your mind" because it's patronizing and obnoxious when people say that. It's a sign that they can't think of anyone living a life differently than the Standard Canadian Adult Life they they want to live. (I've never ONCE heard someone tell a mother-want-to-be, "Oh, you'll change your mind and not want kids...")
All of your reasons are valid (though I think Korea does have some sort of maternity...but don't quote me on that). And frankly, even if they weren't "valid," who cares? You don't want kids.
End of story.
Nothing wrong with that.
I don't know what to tell you about Q. Unfortunately, relationships end. In fact, every relationship ends until you find one that doesn't (with a few exceptions). You can compromise between 1 and 3 kids, but compromising between kids and no kids? Not possible.
I know other people stay in parent/childfree relationships until other issues come up, but to me this has always been a deal breaker. And you know what? With the exception of one out of four major relationships, I've always managed to find other childfree men. Yes, even in Korea. I have had lots of possible relationships not progress because of my stance, but that's OK with me.
If you want to talk to other childfree people, or if you want to ask questions because you're not sure, or if you want to ask how other couples dealt with this issue, or any other childfree issue, this email list is really helpful and friendly.
http://childfree.net/list.html
Good luck, whatever happens with Q.
You've gotten some good advice already, but I'll add my two cents and just say what you probably already know and realize (which I seem to be good at). I definitely agree that this is not just a Korean vs. Canadian (Westerner) issue as t-hype mentioned, although there is definitely more pressure culturally for couples to have babies in Korea. Are you open to having children later on? Is Q saying he wants a child right away after getting married? I guess these are the things you have to work through. Definitely a deal breaker if one of you wants children and the other doesn't, but not so much an issue if it's a matter of time frame. Okay, this is exactly what everyone has already said. Ai-go. I'll stop. :)
I can imagine that the lanugage barrier makes it harder to really get things across to each other.
I totally understand your viewpoint.What I'm wondering is, is there a reason that he wants kids especially? Like, is he the first-born son in his family?If he is,there is much more at stake than baby vs. you. It's more like baby=continue his family line vs. you and no baby=end his family line.So, in a way there is a Korean element to this.I don't think that it would be an issue in the same way as in Canada or U.S., although I'm sure couples run into the same issue all over the world.
Also, I'm not sure what medical issue precludes you from having children, but sometimes all it takes is 1 procedure to unblock closed fallopian tubes (like a friend of mine).Just a thought.
Post a Comment