Indecisiveness... Wednesday, March 28

Korea seems to be the perfect transitional place between leaving an old life and starting a new one, a place to tie up loose ends. For many, the old life is finishing university with the loose ends being student loans or figuring out what career path to take. But what about us on the verge “lifers” here in Korea, what is Korea to us and how do we know if we’re even so-called lifers?!

The other week I met a sweet gal who came out to my boxercise class. She’s a young girl fascinated with the Korean culture and her story is much different than many because she originally came here as a foreign student. When I asked if she wanted to train to Korean music or Western pop she replied with “I prefer Korean pop.” I’ve only met this young lady once but already she’s made a strong impression on me because in many ways I see myself in here – a foreigner who doesn’t fit the label of what it means to be a foreigner. A foreigner who could very well fit a better life here than any where.

Too often I meet foreigners who so fit the foreign stereotype like a glove and it’s frustrating to me. It’s not necessarily them that’s frustrating to me, they know what they want and for the most part it’s to do their year here and then leave, it’s me and my own position that’s frustrating. I somewhat envy them for the fact they know they want to leave. I don’t know if I do. I’m a foreigner, true, and I’m not a Korean, true, but I so often feel like I don’t fit either groups. Moreover, the fact I’ve realized I’m so indecisive about whether or not I want to return to Canada is also very frustrating because I always thought that was the plan.

I thought it was the plan when I originally arrived here engaged. Then I thought it was the plan in my second year after I broke up with The Ex. It’s always been my plan to return but there’s always been something to detour me away from continuing – getting a university job, going pro with my boxing, meeting Snickers, my second family at the boxing club, and the list continues.

Realization of the fact that I’m so indecisive about Canada hit me the other day when I saw pictures on Facebook of a friend who had recently painted her apartment here in Korea. Simply painting her apartment instantly changed her four walls into a home and it got me thinking, why didn’t I ever paint my house? I’ve been living in this transitional phase, just like when I arrived here, so I never painted my apartment because I suppose I never thought it’d ever become my home. I never expected Korea to be my home but now it is.

I’m now 31 years old, I’m not getting younger, and sometimes it worries me that I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life or where I want to live it out. I don't know what I'd do if I were to move to Canada today but I know I'd surely be in the company of some much missed friends and family. Sometimes Canada seems like a far-off, too hard to reach land of freedom. Other times I think I’m just thinking the grass is greener on the other side and that the reality of it is I’ve got it better here on the other side.

My biggest fear at this point of my life is not knowing whether I want to be in Canada or stay in Korea. My life is so different here in Korea – so simple, so safe, so easy – but sometimes it’s definitely feeling like it’s lacking. It’s missing the friends and family from Canada that I just could never replace but I know if I were in Canada right now I’d be missing my Korean friends, like my boxing coach and teammates that have become much needed components in my life.

Is there such a way to have the best of both worlds -- a way to find balance? Can I balance both or do I have to pick just one?!

I feel so indecisive but in being indecisive about moving to Canada or staying in Korea, I don't want that to be what decides because that's not really a decision, that's just more indecisiveness.