Highlights of my Day... Wednesday, May 10

Dear All,

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your strange and deranged chain letters. Yes, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. I am now dumber having had read them and now I've lost minutes, hours, and days of my life that I will never get back!

Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer use cling-wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer can watch Disney movies because they will brainwash me with their hidden satanic subliminal messages.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or walk on the beach because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (not true but I thought it was funny to write it)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time… or was that the 1,387,259th time?!).

I no longer have any money at all, but, that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I am obsessed with washing food cans before opening them to avoid the plague in case mice peed on any of them.

I even wash peeled bananas and oranges.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, you will gain 50 pounds, lose your loved ones, have your heart broken 10 times before you actually give up looking for love entirely and die from weird crippling diseases. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!

From,

Amy.... the A-Bomb!