It’s been a testy week already.
I’m training like an animal, eating like a bird, sleeping like a bear in hibernation, and consequently have become super sensitive to things only but a week ago I would have let rolled off my shoulders.
Today I got overly sensitive about my in-laws and I cracked.
Yesterday will forever be remembered in my books the day I almost fell off a 40-foot on ramp (scary story involving a transport truck crashing into 4 cars, unexpected ice, me on my scooter, and my knee slamming against the ramp wall being the only thing that stopped my body from plummeting) and today will forever be remembered as the day I gave up trying with my in-laws.
I want a divorce.
I want a divorce from my in-laws.
I use to joke with Snickers, telling him his family exercises “stalker-like” behavior towards him. They call him at all hours, randomly show up outside our house, and always call on him to help him with this or that. Ever since Snickers left for Japan I’ve really tried my hardest to fill the rolls he played with his family but in doing so, in trying to really create a kind of family bond with my in-laws, I have only made myself feel like an outsider among them more than ever. I’ve given all I could to trying to make some kind of family-feel with them but today I gave up.
The breaking point for me was with the homemade advent calendar I made for the twins. Tomorrow marks the first day of December, consequently the first day of the advent calendar, but it still sits on my floor. I feel like a fool for having spent so much money, time, and effort towards it. A fool for getting so many of my friends to help me with it and a fool for trying to share something that’s so important to me – my culture and a piece of my childhood. I won’t get into the full extent of the whole situation but I put a lot into this only to realize that I am the only one that cares. I am the only one that apparently cares about what I’m trying to do – make a relationship with my in-laws.
I never did get an invites to any of Mama Kim’s little day trips, I didn’t even get asked to attend Grandpa Kim’s funeral anniversary, and finding out that K-Gere moved Sunday and the whole family was involved (the whole family minus me that is) involved me driving over, discovering an empty house, and yet again feeling like a fool. It's just one thing after another that they so easily omit me from and then try to make up for it by giving me an envelop of money. Money isn't what I want from them, a sense of family is.
Snickers is always telling me “they’re your family” but this isn’t what a family should be about. They all treat Snickers like some golden child who needs constant caring for but leave me like some kind of beggar at the side of the street for someone else to deal with. I know this is harsh but it’s exactly how I feel.
“From now on, don’t call them my family” I cried over the phone to Snickers. “I already have a family and they sure as hell don’t make me feel like the crappy beggar, second-rated person your family does.”
QUESTION OF THE DAY...
What expectations do you put on what you think a family should be?
QUOTE OF THE DAY...
I can't think of anything to write about except families. They are a metaphor for every other part of society.
-- Anna Quindlen
As the story has it, one day I headed to the opposite side of the globe – the Flipside. I arrived in Korea February 16th, 2005 and thought I’d do a year, then leave. I was wrong. I stayed, launched my first company, Flipside Fitness, and then opened Korea's largest boxing club, Hulk's Boxing (now called Hulk's Club).
After 11.5yrs in Korea, I then picked up one day and returned to Toronto, Canada. But then I left again.
Now I live in the Philippines where I am the CEO and head coach of Empowered Clubhouse, the Philippines' first and only boxing clubhouse exclusively just for women. I also am the founder of the Lil' Sistas Project, CEO and designer of Slay Gear and Baa Baa Black Sheep .Ph.
6 comments:
oh dear ;( I hope things change for the better. I can't say I know how you feel but I can give you a virtual hug and say that even among Western families things like this happen. Oh geez, that's not making it any better. Be honest with your husband but don't make it about him v.s. them because I've been in that situation before. It just happened to be the other way around. His family was 'our family' and def. gave us a 'sense of family' but the problem was they didn't give us a envelop of money (which is what Sung Hyun should have gotten having worked for 'his family'). It sucked to have to leave Korea knowing that he was entitled to x number of dollars by law (a really really large amount) but only got a hug instead.
Keep doing what you know is right, even if they don't give back. Because when it comes down to it, you will look back in your life knowing you did everything possible. Don't punish the boys by not giving them the calendar you worked so hard to create.
And when you think things are tough, remember, this too shall pass!
Another things that I thought of was that possibly your way of 'caring' might not be considered special to them, b/c Christmas family traditions probably don't have much relevance to them.
Now going to their house the day before Chuesok and Seollar helping with the cooking and cleaning would, in our culture be insulting to us (well me personally - I can't speak for you), but a very thoughtful and caring action towards their family. GAG!
My very traditional mother-in-law only accepted differences in my culture when I lived with her and taught her about my ways - and we both had a sense of humour because at times she would mock me and vice versa. I had a special relationship with her, but it was because I bent over backwards for her. I showed her respect by preparing food for her and inviting her to my house. I purposely cooked western food so that she would know I was offering her the gesture of kindness but showing her that Sung Hyun was okay doing things a little different.
I had to earn her trust because I married into her family/ culture. She knew nothing about how the other parts of the world worked. In fact, before we left Korea for our big move she asked if there were fans in Canada.....hehe, 'yes mom, there are fans in Canada, and cars and people too' I joked!
Okay I'm rambling now but I wanted to say that it took a lot of effort and tears to make things work. And it was completely worth it because I would move back in with her in a heartbeat. I wish the same for you!
Hey Amy,
Sorry to hear about your inlaws. As long as you love your husband that is the main thing. I know the situation happens a lot but hang in there.
Beth
do your in laws read your blog??
Yo Jennifer,
Thanks for the virtual hug, much needed ;) I hear what you're saying with trying not to make Snickers in the middle and not making it a him vrs. them thing but it's so hard. He's been more than understanding and he lets me vent but I know sometimes I say too much.
As for the envelop of money, I find it rather ironic that they give it to me occassionally because they've NEVER given Snickers money. Moreover, I've told them before, a couple times actually, that my family has always believed, as do I, that money is an insulting gift to give. My parents have NEVER given me money for the very fact that they believe it's a cheap way out of showing someone you care and showing any kind of effort. Money doesn't solve anything, or so I've been taught to believe... and do believe. They gave me money to say sorry for not coming to the hospital, money for not returning my text messages,... money for not doing this or that. The key idea being that they think giving me money can make up for their lack of effort -- the very thing my parents said money symbolized when given as a gift. It's not a gift; it's an insult.
As for the twins, I'm not trying to punish them. I know they're totally innocent in this whole situation but it's next to impossible to give them the advent calender when my in-laws keep on forgetting to tell me the address. I've text messaged and called several times. They keep on telling me they'll pick it up or they say "don't worry... just wait". Wait for what?! I even went so far as to jet around town for about an hour and a half trying to visually remember where my sister-in-law lives. I did that twice actually but because of all the construction I ended up getting lost and ended up so far from where I even knew I was.
I'm at the point that I don't even want to give it because it just really upset me. Honestly, they killed it for me and I can't see them patching things up.
I'm happy to hear that you have a great relationship with your mother-in-law but things are really so different for me. Both Snickers and I, because of our boxing, not wanting to settle down to a 9 to 5 job or have a family means we're faced with a LOT of opposition from his family. His father supports our boxing but in doing so I know he must be getting grief about it from the rest of the family. Snickers and I are apparently the black sheep of the family. We don't do anything that is remotely considered normal for a Korean couple to do and it comes with a high price, the price being that we're not exactly supported.
Hey Beth,
Thanks girl... you ALWAYS have my back so much love and appreciation to you!
Hi Anne,
All but one of my in-laws speaks any kind of English so no, they don't read my homepage but sometimes I really wish they would. They just don't get things, obvious things.
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