1. Today’s Sunday started off like pretty much the other Sundays in my life. Morning eggs, oatmeal, one juicy persimmon and a massive cup of green tea. I’m still not convinced that tea is all people crack it up to be. I’d love to find some Red Rose tea in this country but then again, well, added scoops of sugar and milk into it would defeat the whole point of drinking tea instead of coffee.
2. The only real thing on my agenda for the day was marking all 250 student quizzes from last week. I’m quite the procrastinator when it comes to doing mundane work like this and so my first attempt at 10am to do marking failed… so did the other half a dozen attempts.
3. Quiz marking finally got started at 5:30pm.
4. Meeting up with a friend at Coffee Bean in the afternoon took all the will power in the world to get me out of my tank top and shorts and out the door. I know Canada’s weather is much colder, and I must have reminded myself this a million times, but it really help me to move any faster. I like hibernating in my house. Mi Nam and I stand at the window, watching everyone else freeze while my feet burn up on my heated floors and my breath fogs up the windows.
5. Was feeling in a blah mood so I treated myself to a new MAC Cosmetic lip gloss… lip gloss always makes me smile… hehehe.
6. Later on I had a special visitor come help put all the marks from the marked quizzes onto the attendance sheets.
7. Got kicked out of my own house… well, not really, but I did leave my house with someone still in it. I really don’t want to talk about it actually.
8. … but I will say this, my Man Friend hasn’t really been so out of the picture like I’ve lead many people to believe his was. He’s the “certain someone” I’ve mentioned in recent entries, you’ve seen his pictures in many current entries too, I was his wedding date, and he’s the guy I went on a date with two Saturday’s ago. There… now you know. I’m dating my ex who’s not so much an ex but not really a current boyfriend either. I don’t even know what label to put on what’s going on between us. He comes over, walks Mi Nam, and watches TV while I type away on my homepage or study Korean in the other room. We occasionally train together, he helps me with grocery shopping, and he hangs out at my house about five evenings a week.
9. I know I said I didn't want to talk about him on my homepage but tonight’s strange turn of events that left me sitting outside in the park while he watched a movie in my house can’t really be ignored. I keep on telling myself that I should just walk away, get over him and just focus on training but I repeatedly go back to him, as he does me. We’ve acknowledged that we can’t be anything beyond the borders of Korea and yet we continue to do this yo-yo back and forth thing. It’s not a physical thing like some people might assume. We are just so intertwined in each other’s lives that popping the other out of it leaves an incredible hole that we both feel. Anyway, tonight I really put myself out there for him, I really tried to change the whole situation. I put my heart on my sleeve, and lack there of it (the sleeve that is) and he did nothing but continue watching the movie. A couple of hours later, while I was still outside, I texted him “get out of my house.. now”. How can you love someone and yet want to runaway from them?! I think him hanging around my house so much lately has been suffocating me. I need my space but as much as I tell myself that I want him to go away and leave me alone, I’m still not convinced myself that it's what I want.
10. People are going to say whatever they want to say about the whole issue, I know that, but I’m in a lose-lose situation. If I totally break it off cold-turkey style, I’ll be crushed. He’s so many roles in my life here in Korea. But, if I continue to date him, it’s like we’re ignoring the bigger picture. We both know that we can only be a couple as long as I stay in Korea. He’d never move to Canada and I could never ask him to, it’d break his heart. So, go ahead and give your two cents. I’ve heard it all, trust me. You couldn’t possibly fully comprehend my situation because you’re not me and as far as I am concerned, I’ve been me for 28 years and so others are really in no position to tell me how to live my life. When they’ve been me for even a day, then… then I will give you my undivided attention and listen but for now you can talk... I might listen, but I might not... oh, who am I fooling?! I'm a Pollack... silly and stubborn.
QUESTION OF THE DAY...
Have you ever felt like a part of you was missing?
QUOTE OF THE DAY...
Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.
-- Leo Buscaglia
As the story has it, one day I headed to the opposite side of the globe – the Flipside. I arrived in Korea February 16th, 2005 and thought I’d do a year, then leave. I was wrong. I stayed, launched my first company, Flipside Fitness, and then opened Korea's largest boxing club, Hulk's Boxing (now called Hulk's Club).
After 11.5yrs in Korea, I then picked up one day and returned to Toronto, Canada. But then I left again.
Now I live in the Philippines where I am the CEO and head coach of Empowered Clubhouse, the Philippines' first and only boxing clubhouse exclusively just for women. I also am the founder of the Lil' Sistas Project, CEO and designer of Slay Gear and Baa Baa Black Sheep .Ph.
6 comments:
Hey Sis!
So I guess the only question I have is what did you actually do to put your "heart on your sleeve"?
I mean I cant really be fair if I dont know what happened. I have a feeling its too much for the homepage, so email or message me if you feel like you can be that personal with me.
So explain why you two cant just be friends? Not a couple with a certain ending, and not a horrible nothing?
Just thinking out loud =)
-Bram
<3<3<3
Just tell him that five nights a week is too much. You may want to be together but that's too much, especially if you're both confused about what you're doing. He shouldn't just assume he can drop by every night even if you're only home alone and not doing anything anyway. That's not the point.
I really think YOU need to be holding the reins here because he is probably even more confused than you are and might think the current situation, while not ideal, is okay to keep up with.
I'd let him know.
I understand exactly how you feel. You're in a country that's not your own, that never will be your own, and you need and want to keep that piece that helps get you through the days, and has been for over a year now.
Not an easy choice, but no one should give you a hard time unless they've walked a mile in your shoes.
The one thing I repeat to myself over again when I get into situations like this, is "I'd rather be alone and happy than with someone and miserable"
It will hurt and sting at first (cold turkey), but you'll start to walk on your own again, and that will be worth the pain. Believe me.
Good luck Amy.
We've all been there. It's a tough road and there is no right or wrong answer. My advice is to drop the expectations. If you like being around this person and want to continue to be a part of each others' lives but don't want to get hurt than lower what you expect from him. Rejoice if he gets it right and remember that you can't control another person only your reaction when he doesn't get it right. I used a lot of positive reinforcement with my boyfriend when we were starting out and he was making all kinds of mistakes (as I am sure I was). When he messed up I worked really hard to understand that he can't read my mind, he is not like me, and yeah, he's a guy. But the good outweigh the bad and really that is all that matters.
Hey Bro,
Hehehe... ya, I'll have to email you about that. Although you being my "bro" and being much younger than me, I don't know if you're old enough to hear this... hehehe. Your young ears might burn.. just joking.
As for why we can't just be friends... it's akward. How can you just sit beside the very person you use to be so cozy, open and affectionate to?!
Hi Mrs. Kim,
I agree. Yesterday we meet outside of the house to talk.. it was definitely a whole different feel being out in public and talking. Sounds strange to say that but it's true.
I did let him know. Thank you.
Hey Shelley,
Hey I checked out your homepage, very cool. Do you mind if I add a link to your homepage on my homepage? I read quite a bit about it. I hear ya about the Korean weddings!!! I'll be sure to comment on it too.
I wouldn't go so far to say I'm miserable... just overly comfortable and feeling like something is missing. Maybe it's me, I don't know.
Hi Tracey,
Yes, very true. Thanks for the advice, I'm still digesting it. I don't know if I'd really lower my expectations, I think it's more or less me working on our communication. I tend to either bottle things up or let it bubble over and explode.
Hey Amy,
I'd love if you added a link of my blog to your homepage. I'm hoping my blog can educate people about India. There are so many mis-conceptions about the place.
Sorry to insinuate you are miserable, as I'm sure you're not.
You just have to go with your gut, no one knows yourself better than you do.
Just continue doing what feels good, and stop doing it once it feels bad I guess. Sounds so simple doesn't it? HAHA. Man, and it so isn't.
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