Anyone who really knows me knows I love making lists. I’ve got lists for everything from the common to the mundane. I used to be brutal in waking up every day, scribble down my things to do today and then on the side of the paper I’d do a hour-by-hour breakdown of when exactly I’d do my list of things. I even penciled in “rest time”. Throughout the day I’d check off the things I did and at the end of the day I’d reflect back on the day, see all that I did and didn’t do. There was one rule though, I couldn’t add anything to the list after I did it. Sounds silly, I know. Sounds like I had too much time on my hands, often this was the case yes, but I found it gave me some kind of focus or purpose for the day.
I’ve stopped making my anal “things-to-do” and hourly day breakdown lists but I still keep an agenda. Today I found a notebook packed with some of my scribbled down lists.
It wasn’t until I came to Korea that I ever started making such silly, anal “things-to-do” lists and I think a big part of it had to do with the fact that I used to be so focused on the future. I was always the five-years-down-the-road kind of girl and my engagement to the retired Portuguese pro soccer player was proof of that. He had promised me a beautiful future. It was full of anticipated trips to Europe, dreams of a large dream house, goals of learning another language – a proposed life of leisure and luxury. In a way I got consumed by the future and was lost in the present. But when I came to Korea and called off my engagement, my clearly mapped-out future was instantly thrown out the window, leaving me not knowing what I wanted my future to hold. The plan was to return to Canada but with upset friends and family disappointed in me calling off the wedding – the wedding that was already very much in motion – I decided to stay another year in Korea. I wasn’t ready to do damage control and deal with the stress. It was then that I started living life day-by-day and when I started dating Snickers I started living life hour-by-hour.
For the most part I live day-by-day but I will admit to living hour-by-hour on occasion, especially on Snickers’ days off. However, though I don’t live in the future anymore I do sometimes look ahead often because now I’m married. Being married has changed everything for me; things have shifted yet again. I can no longer be quite the carefree girl anymore, especially when it comes to finances. I now have a responsibility to not only my husband but also Pyen Chi and Balboa. I know it sounds silly to say I have a responsibility to two dogs but it’s true. Unlike cats that are independent creatures, dogs are very much dependent on their owners and I’ve never really regarded them as dogs to me. They’re “four-legged friends”. And now that I run Flipside Fitness I have a responsibility to those in my group. I like the responsibilities I’ve taken on though; they give me a sense of self, identity and now a sense of community in this country that’s not my own but definitely has allowed me to take on a chunk of it.
Today I started thinking about the future – my own personal goals, wants and needs – so I decided to make a vision board. I’ve never really made one before, after all I used to be all about the future. The future was always the clearest picture for me to see but it’s not so clear anymore. Truthfully, it was a bit nerve-racking sitting down to make a vision board because at first I really didn’t know what I wanted my future to hold. There’s still a lot of things I’m up in the air about – major things. I still am very much on the fence as to whether I want to stay in Korea or move to Canada and this one decision is life-changing. It will change everything so I’ve been holding off on making it. Perhaps the fact that I’ve been postponing it so long IS the answer, I don’t know. I know it’s been holding me back though from really making a home in Korea and making a life here. I’ve been living the past 7 years as if this year is the last year but obviously that wasn’t the case. So what do I want my future to hold, well, some things are definitely clearer than others while others need some fine tuning.
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