All Exposed... Saturday, November 16

I use to be super attached to my hair, back.when I did hair modelling and it proved to be a great distraction. My hair would be high lightened and low lighted -- a cleaver distraction I had leaned of for so long; a distraction to distract others from looking at the body I was not comfortable living in -- my body.

 

Today I chopped my hair.

 

I hadn't told anyone of that I had been contemplating it, especially because I had already chopped it so much in the summer, and simply told Snickers as I slipped out of bed this morning. "I am getting cut my hair off" I told him. He wasn't really awake but he managed to mumble back, "If it makes you happy then I happy."

 

And I am happy.

 

It felt quite liberating chopping my hair off, more so this time than in the summer when the chop consisted of at least seven inches of hair.  Instantly, my whole face was revealed and there were no long bangs or wispy side fringes to hide in.  I felt so exposed.

 

I was nervous that I'd look like a boy and that all my past insecurities regarding my face would be given life again, amplified and exposed.  My eyes, for example, use to get me teased and it was because of them at an early age I quickly learned about the whole postman joke. Kids at school used to ask me if my postman was Asian and up until grade 7 I had never even met an Asian.  My aunt used to always ask me if I dyed my eyebrows, hinting that it was odd being a blond-haired girl with black eye brows. Even my hair dresser here in Korea often asks me if I want her to lighten them.  And then there's my nose. My father used to say it was a bunny-slope of a nose but I was never quite sure for who.  Well, that was until one of my brothers killed the cuteness of the story by telling me it was a bunny ski slope for the bedbugs in my bed. My bed never had bugs, thank you very much.  But now, after three nose breaks, my bunny slope of a nose now has a bump in it, a jump for the skiers I suppose. 

 

And then there's my head shape -- it's very round at the back, like a light bulb.  Even Snickers used to tease me about it when I first met him.  I was once told a story about how my head got it's shape. I was told it was a Polish traditional tale and explained why most of us Polacks have the same shaped head. As the story goes, after the war God lowered his hand from Heaven, scoped up the head of a injured Polish boy and held it is in palm. He told the boy not to worry and that he will never leave nor forsake him.  It is believed that the roundness of us Polack's head is the indentation of God's palm holding it up, and it's a reminder to us Polacks that God is with us. 

So my eyes are too small, eyebrows too dark, my ski bunny-slope of a nose now has a jump in it, my head is oddly round at the back, and here I go wanting to chop off all my hair for all to see my mix-matched collection of facial features?!

 

Yup. Just wait till it's fight day and I REALLY have something on my face for others to really look at, like a black eye or swollen jaw. No more hiding.

 

I always thought my face lacked a focal point; an exaggerated feature that really made my face stand out.  I don't have exaggerated big eyes or an extra wide smile.  My small eyes often confuse people as to what my background is, and I like that.  I used to wish they were baby blue like my father's eyes but now I like them brown -- they're exactly the same brown as my mothers.  I'm proud of the jump in my nose, my eyebrows get taken care of courtesy of Snickers so I happen to really like them, and I happen to like the story that accompanies my head, even if it is just an old silly tale.