Questioning my Own Choices... Thursday, August 21

I've always believed we're the product of our self -- our choices, our personal decisions and the consequences to the actions we've made.  Having said this, sometimes I seriously wonder if I've made the right life for myself.

I was supposed to leave Korea after my first year, back when I was engaged to another man.  But upon calling off the engagement I decided to stay another year.  It was an attempt to avoid the drama that I knew I'd face as a consequence of calling off the wedding but also an amazing opportunity to further my studies of the Korean culture via entering the public school system.  

Then, after a few more years and another "supposed to leave Korea" moment, my boxing coach (now former coach) persuaded me to stay.  I had just started my professional boxing career and it instantly put me in the spotlight, scoring me some very sweet sponsors both on the national and international level and I even was focused in several documentaries.  "You can't box forever so enjoy it while you can" he told me, so on that note I decided to stay longer in Korea.

Then I met Snickers and well, he was the next best thing since sliced bread, even better actually, so I signed for another year of work at Dankook despite thinking it'd be my last.

After I got married, there was definitely the "let's move to Canada" conversation that became more and more frequent.  I was no longer teaching English nor did I have to solely work in that field because of my change in visa but I was still boxing and it started to really support me.  I lived a whole year, paying all my bills and supporting both Snickers and I with my boxing.  

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, there was definitely another exit cue for me.  I thought about dropping every thing right then and there and moving back to Canada to be with my dying mother and to start a new life.  But after a conversation with her about my life here in Korea, I decided I had to at least find my "spot" here, if even for a short time, before I say goodbye to Korea and start all over in Canada.  So I returned to Korea and launched Flipside Fitness.  Flipside Fitness than became very much a part of my identity and reason to stay in Korea.

Upon my mother dying and my father now living alone, there was yet another pull to move to Canada but the more and more Snickers and I discussed what we'd do in Canada -- launch a business -- the more and more we realized we had more opportunity to do it here in Korea.  The intial business plan revolved around opening Cheonan's only mini go-kart racing track.  We had the perfect location and quite the detailed plan, but it didn't pan out.  The runner up plan was to launch a coffee shop but when my boxercise classes with Flipside Fitness picked up and I earned numerous personal training clients from it, we decided to stick with what we were both passionate about -- boxing.  And so Hulk's Boxing evolved and it was my reason to stay.

Now that Hulk's Boxing is up and running at full speed, the idea of moving back to Canada is only at the back of my mind and doesn't particularly interest me.  Snickers definitely wants to move there more than me actually and he's quite persistent about asking us when we'll do so.  I've made the perfect job for myself, one that focuses on what I'm passionate about and is as interesting and fun for me as it is challenging, and it's here in Korea.  I don't think I'd like my job if I were to do the same in Canada.  I mean, part of the interest of my job is that I am in Korea and am a foreigner here.  In addition to the language difference, there are so many other cultural points and a difference of business mentality that definitely plays out -- it's a love/hate relationship with it all but I think I love it more than I don't.  At this point I feel like no other job best suits me and to step away from this one would be just to lower myself.  No other job could ever match this job that I've made for myself; it'd only be a second ranking position for me.

I miss my family and friends in Canada, more than people know and I'm assuming a lot more than others because I've been here for ten years and have yet to have any visitors come solely for me -- that hurts.  I also miss many places.  I miss odd things too, like just being able to sit on a subway and randomly chat with the person beside me, just for the sake of it. I miss morning hello's to and from fellow runners, and I miss riding my BMX bike to the lake.  I miss simply being able to blend in with the crowd when I want to instead of feeling like I'm always that pointed-at foreigner at the places I go.  Sometimes I really crave English and find myself not wanting to even speak because my Korean language skills get tested day after day and it's exhausting.  It's exhausting searching for the right grammar in my head and not remembering the words to deeply express myself.  

I think the main thing that hold me back from moving back to Canada are two things:  I've made the perfect job for myself that I'm not willing to give up and I really don't want to start life all over.  I started a new life when I first came to Korea and that was one thing but to start all over in the country I am originally from, holy hello cross-cultural shock!  Canada has changed, I have changed, and we've changed without each other.  Maybe I won't like the Canada I'd be going back to and maybe Canada won't like the Koreanized me.

For every dozen of days I am in love with my job, with Snickers, with Korea, and with where I am in my life, there is one day when I seriously want to quit everything and run away.  But where would I go anyways and what would I do?!  I have the love of my life and the job I love right here.  Moreover, I seriously couldn't leave my 3 four-legged friends. Sometimes they are seriously the only thing that keeps me sane in this country, like whenever the "baby issue" comes up and, trust me, it comes up pretty much every other day.  But no, I don't think I'll ever live in Canada again and some days I am more ok with that than others.  The next step in my plan is to get my father to move here and hire an assistant coach so that perhaps I could visit Canada more often.  This whole it's been three years since I've seen the Great White North is bonkers and lately it's been really scratching at my energy.  It's been way too long.