Not the Way I Planned on Spending my Afternoon... Saturday, April 4

At 7:25pm I put this as my Facebook status:

Just because I love my life doesn't mean I don't have moments when I want to run away from it and give up. Moments when I absolutely crave my long time friends, long for Ribblesdale backyard BBQ fun, and wish to simply be understood without having to translate what I say, explain my culture or defend my right to be different in a mono-cultural country. Was having one of those moments when suddenly KBS contacted me. Apparently they think my life is interesting, interesting enough to do a documentary on ...very cool. And to think just an hour ago I was in one of those down-in-the-dump moments.

A week ago I found out a friend of mine here in Korea got a divorce.  He's been divorced for some time now actually but it never seemed to come up in any of our discussions and how would it too because we basically only talk about boxing and boxing clubs.  I won't go into the details of it because it's not my story to tell but his now ex-wife didn't share in his dream to build his own business and when his dream started to consume his every thought, she decided it best she leave. Tonight I definitely had a moment where I could relate with his ex-wife and the correlation between what they went through, what broke them up, and what I'm going through scared me.

Snickers and I are planning a Phase 2 for Hulk's.  My understanding was that Phase 2 would be 5-10 years away but it's becoming more and more clearer that in Snickers' mind it is a this-year kind of thing.  Recently, he's decided he's going to try everything to make it happen sooner than later and by sooner I mean he's looking to start it next month or so.  It's been consuming his every waking thought and he's been pushing me to start on the design work of it.

I don't share his perspective and think his heads are rather stuck in the clouds.  Snickers is such an optimist when it comes to Phase 2 where as I am definitely a realist.  Sure I'm somewhat sceptic of the extreme fast pace that he wants to launch Phase 2 but I think my hesitation to agree to his ideas and desire to hold off with starting it are smart.  He wants to jump in two feet first without testing to see if there's even something to catch him where as I want to look first and then step in one foot at a time.  

Today we argued about this.  We have our usual little spats, like most couples, but this wasn't a spat. It was a full fledged battle, with both of us being super stubborn and steadfast in our beliefs and what side we were arguing for.  Ironically enough today there was a blood moon.  Battles between us come once in a blue moon but a blood moon, yes most definitely suitable for today's argument.  It was a bad, bad one and other things not really connected to the initial argument got dragged into it.  In my anger, I blurted out "I'm never going to be able to go to Canada, am I?!"  

I've been trying for almost 4 years to slip away to Canada, to visit my friends and family, but something always comes up.  At first it was the fact that we started planning Hulk's, then it was the actual opening of Hulk's that kept me from visiting.  I can't leave when the students have holidays because that's our busy season, twice a year, and now I can't go because of Phase 2 that Snickers wants to push to happen sooner than later.  

Four years.  You know how many birthdays and other holidays I've missed out on the lives of my family and friends, how many friends who have gotten married and/or had kids, friends who have passed away that I wasn't even able to say goodbye to,..friends that don't even know I miss them so much.  Four years is a long time.  

I love Snickers, I surely do, and I rather argue with him every day of my life than not be with him if it came down to it.  We don't argue every day though, despite the fact that we're with each other around the clock and hold numerous titles in each others' life that go beyond that of a typical couple, like coach, business partner and manager, but tonight's blood moon argument was rough.  

Snickers are in many ways the same but in many ways so different and despite us being married and being business partners, we very much have our own separate ways.  He never cooks the food I eat so unless we go out to a restaurant together, we don't eat together.  I eat with him probably only 2-4 times a week and usually a couple of those times are before work snacks -- coffee and toast with eggs -- or at a business meeting with sponsors.  Our differences are usually what make us work, they keep things interesting and fun, and we've always liked being so different but today it seemed like all such differences were going against us to form this massive wall that seemed impossible to get over.  Things finally did calm down and slowly but surely that massive wall of differences started to crumble and we saw each other again for the person we initially fell in love with.  

Later in the evening, when we were in bed talking about today's situation, I got a most random Facebook message from my oldest brother's daughters.  Kids say the cutest things, I vouch they're right up there with just how cute Snickers is when he twists his English and says things totally out of context.  And today's text message conversation with her, my niece, it's almost as if despite the many miles that distance us that she could read my mind and knew I needed a message from my family at that exact moment.  It was the first time she had ever text messaged me actually, which, ironically enough, today was also the first time Snickers and I seriously discussed the thought of divorce.

Here are excerpts from today's text message conversation with my beautiful niece.  

LIZ:  Hi it is me Elizabeth

ME:  Hi Elizabeth!!!!!!!!!

LIZ:  Do you guys have Easter tomorrow because we do. If you guys have Easter tomorrow then hope you guys have a happy Easter

ME:  No, no Easter in Korea.  Happy Easter to you though!!!

LIZ:  We have my nana dogs.... 2 the are so bad

ME:  Hahahaha...oh no! I have 3 dogs and one is so bad. He always tries to bite people's bums!!!

LIZ:  Rebekah lost her tooth. She was sad because she miss it

ME:  Awww. Tell her she will grow a bigger, stronger tooth. It will be a big girl tooth.

ME:  What do you do today?

LIZ:  Let's see. Dance for 1hour and that is it.

LIZ:  Here is Gillian... she is grumpy.  Gillian said you look pretty because you are.

ME:  Awwww tell her thank you!! ...You girls are more prettier than me!!!

LIZ:  How is bin?

ME:   ..he is good. He asked me to ask you if you remember him. Do you remember him?

LIZ:  Yes how can I not remember him. Wean are you guys comeing down?

ME:  The last time I saw Rebekah she was just a baby!!!

LIZ:  She is 6... I am 9 and Gillian 3

ME:  Wow...you are an old lady now...hahaha. Do you have grandkids? Are you married???

LIZ:  Hahaha. 

I love Korea but Korea is hard for me, perhaps more than most would expect it to be or assume it could be.  I'm now into my eleventh year living here and argue that it doesn't get easier.  Sure I know a lot of the culture and have a good handle on the language, but the pressure for my knowledge and skills are that much stronger because of my stacked high, double-digit years here.  There are expectations on me, pressure and stress, and throw in the fact that I've started my own business here, am married to a local and have Korean in-laws, sometimes I seriously wonder if there's even one person in this entire massive world that could possibly even begin to relate to me.  Sometimes it's not someone that can relate to me though, often it's just a good friend I can vent to or who can distract me if only just for the afternoon or a couple of hours.  Today I missed Canada so much and all the friends that I would have, could have and should have called up and said "let's get coffee" if only it were physically possible.  But a little nine year old girl with long blond hair and baby blue eyes definitely helped to make me feel so much better.