Today it hit me, the fact that my friends and family back in Canada will eventually see this documentary. I was standing at the squat rack when it hit me, the idea that they'll be seeing my life how it really is and not how I can only assume many of them imagine it to be. The arrival of my father-in-law, K-Gere, with a bag full of containers full of homemade side dishes triggered this and I had to temporarily stop my training to tell KBS to please not film this sight because I ended up getting upset about it. And while I am fully aware that K-Gere's probably thinks his intentions are sweet, I can't help but feel him showing up with food only reinforces the fact that I feel like a burden to him and his family more often than not. Those side dishes weren't for me, they never are for me, they're for Snickers, and there were many of them.
My life isn't all butterflies, rainbows and unicorns, but I was okay with that, that is until the cameras started rolling and everything got exaggerated and amplified. Awkward moment of the week probably was when I visited Mama Kim yesterday, Snickers' mom. As soon as I entered her apartment and she caught sight of the cameras she went to go hug me. It was the first time in 6 years that woman has ever hugged me so you can imagine my strange reaction. I'd like to put that down as the most awkward hug ever in the history of hugging.
Snickers' parents aren't bad, that's not what I am saying here, but I'm not super close to them like Snickers is. I'm not really that way with my own family though. With Snickers' family, we have our moments when we laugh together or share a sweet moment and isn't forced. But with the cameras rolling and them either suddenly trying to hug me, buy me coffee or drop off loads of food for Snickers, I feel it's not only forced and uncomfortable but it further makes me feel like there is them and then there is me. We are really not cozy comfortable like Snickers is or like he wants and I know he's frustrated with this. I find myself to be a very private person with others here in Korea and tend to really keep my private life and share my personal space with a very select few... a very select few.
I live a different kind of life in Korea and that's one of the main reasons why I don't want children. Our child will be half Snickers but it'll be half me and I know what it's like to be me living here in Korea. It's as happy as it is lonely and I really don't want to have my child experience that or witness me experiencing it. I'm trying every day to change myself, become more positive, and I know I have to warm to Snickers' family for his sake, but it's not easy. This is Korea.
Maybe doing this documentary was a bad thing, I mean I struggle every day with the fact my friends and family are so far away and I struggle every day with not being a cookie-cutter wife to a Korean man. I was okay with this struggle because it was just inside my head but now it's going to be aired on national television for all to see and I don't know really how I feel about that.
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