As I headed into the small spinning room where the heavy bag hangs day in and day out, I noticed a friend. A conversation sparked. I greeted him with a hug and then started gearing up for boxing as our conversation started up and continued. It started off with him causally asking about a certain someone in my life and me blurting out "I'm just so happy here".
"Here". He had asked me if I missed "home".
"Home", such a simple word but it's become so complex in my life. I still struggle to not view Korea as home. I am home now, but am I?! I guess that all depends on what you define as home. For me, I have come to associate home with being the place that shaped you. A place that represents a chunk of your identity and for me that is still very Korea. I feel more Asian than Canadian. I've never really felt Canadian though because I've always called myself Polish/Austrian. For my mom, she always said "home is where your heart is", but if that be the case my home is Canada.
What was intally expected to be a light conversation between two friends quickly got deep. And then it got deeper. I'm not too sure on how one thing let to another but next thing I knew it there we stood, scratching our heads at what felt like a big revalation.
I'm reliving the same life in Canada as I am in Korea but on the total opposite spectrum. None the less the same foundation -- secrets. I live a secret double life. In Korea the life I lead and the life I let my family, friends, club members and the media see was totally different than the life I lived behind closed doors, when I wasn't working and when it was just Snickers and me. I was in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage but everyone thought I lived the perfect life because I had become the master of deception. I had the fame that came with being a foreign female boxer, the success that came with me creating Korea's largest boxing club, and the romance novel love story that came with falling in love with a local bad boy who didn't speak English when we met. As for my double life here in Canada, it's very much a happy one but I can't share it with those outside of my social circle.
I'm in love.
I'm in love with the person I'm becoming and I'm in love with the journey with prepping the launch my Second Dream. But I'm also in love with something and someone far greater than myself but I can't share it. How ironic, I went from living a secret life of sadness in Korea to living a secret life of such happiness in Canada but I can't share any of it. It has to remain a secret.
"But why?", he asked. Good question.
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