As the story has it, I woke up and found myself on the very opposite side of the globe – the flipside. I arrived February 16th, 2005 and thought I’d simply do a year, then leave. Years later and I’m still here. I went from being some random foreign girl to taking on labels I never imagined – university professor, film extra, professional boxer, CEO of my own girls-only fitness company, Flipside Fitness, and CEO of my own boxing club, Korea's largest -- Hulk's Club, formerly known as Hulk's Boxing.

After 11.5yrs in Korea, I picked up one day and left. I returned to Toronto, Canada but only to pack up my bags and venture out again. Now I'm living in Makati, Philippines. Life for me is better in Asia and I'm so happy here. This isn't a new chapter in the book of my life though, it's a whole new book I've started!!! I'm a whole new woman. I left Korea with Flipside Fitness on my brain, Hulk's in my heart, boxing in my bag, and my four-legged friend Balboa Button by my side.

Life is an adventure and this is my story of yesterday.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Why I'm Not a Fan... Wednesday, December 21

I updated my Facebook status by commenting on me having to go buy shorts.
I don't know what's worse, Christmas gift shopping or having to buy shorts for my Christmas vacation. I got out of shopping by baking but now all that "baking" (ie baking for others but eating as I baked) is making me uncomfortable about having to wear shorts.  If I go the full 12 rounds at boxing tonight it's because shopping for shorts didn't go over well.
I ended up buying two pairs of shorts tonight and by that I mean I walked into a store and basically bought the first two pair of shorts that looked like they'd fit me. I didn't even try them on.  I needed shorts for my Christmas trip.

This week I'm heading out to Florida on Christmas Eve. I'll be in the States for Christmas. I'm not going to start complaining about it because I know I should be overly grateful for the invite, how I'm being treated it to it, and how it is also Christmas for those I'm going with too, but my fear is that I'm going to be that person that not only kills the family trip but also kills Christmas.

I don't like Christmas and this year I'm spending Christmas with someone born on Christmas Eve, someone whose very name translates to Christmas.

Right about now he's reading this and doing a face palm... I know it, but he doesn't really know why I came to being such a Scrooge during the biggest holiday of the year, Christmas.
Twelve years ago I showed up on Christmas Eve at my parent's house. I had moved away to Korea but secretly returned to surprise my parents because I knew my mom was having a hard time celebrating the holiday without me. It would have been our first Christmas apart. Me showing up meant my mom broke down in tears and was so overly happy. She'd get teary eyed bragging to random strangers about me surprising her for Christmas, like the cashier at No Frills and the waitress at the restaurant.

Every Christmas after that though she anticipated me showing up.

I never did.

I never spent another Christmas with my mom and every year that broke her heart. And now I hate Christmas. I still haven't spent a Christmas with my family. Last year I spent Christmas Eve in the bathtub and then I raced off to my boxing buddy's home to ring in Christmas with his family but it took every ounce of will power to get up and do that.

This Christmas marks another Christmas I won't be celebrating it with them. My mom has since passed on, my oldest brother spends Christmas with his family up north, my other brother spends it with his wife in the States, and then there's my dad and me. My dad hasn't celebrated Christmas since my mom died but I stopped celebrating it long before she passed. I used to get Snickers to celebrate it with me but he only went through the motions to make me happy. He never liked any holiday and every year I bought myself my own Christmas present.  I've always bought my own birthday present too, come to think of it.  I threw a big sleepover Christmas party for my Flipside Fitness gals one year and then I did stuff for my Hulkies at Hulk's Club but it was me celebrating it for them and not really feeling it myself.

Christmas died the year after I celebrated it with my family here in Canada and failed to show up the next year. 

I lived a whole other life without my family and now I'm back but I'll never be able to make up for loss time, passed time.  And now I'm heading off to the States with a new family I'm a part of and am struggling to enjoy it when it only makes me think of my mom and how my dad struggles through the holiday too.  I'll never be able to celebrate Christmas with my mom again and I regret that but what I regret more is showing up that first Christmas because it set the bar high for the Christmas' that followed and consequently it set her up for yearly heartbreak.  I think of that every time Christmas rolls around, how I broke her heart.

No comments: