It Wasn't Me... Saturday, December 22

We win or we learn.

I didn't get the win today despite the hard work, passion and determination I've put into my training and the amazing team behind me.

Something happened and I went back to my first ever fight, back in Korea, when I went into autopilot.

Perhaps I shouldn't have taken a fight that required me to lose 20lbs in a little over 2 weeks time. I cut 8lbs 24hrs before weigh in. Perhaps the weight loss was too much of a distraction, too rough on my body and too damaging to my condition.

Perhaps I cracked under pressure, with running my own business that's all about empowering women and little girls, my Lil' Sistas, and wanting to be a strong role model for them. Perhaps I wanted too much to prove to them that I could do everything, beat the odds, and represent what it means to be an empowered, fierce female.

Perhaps I just lost because my opponent was simply the better fighter.

Perhaps I will never know but what I do know is that the fighter I stepped into the ring as wasn't the fighter I actually am and for this I am sorry to those who came to cheer me on. I don't remember the fight and I was shocked at how it ended.

But life goes on. The sun will still come up tomorrow, the birds will still sing, and when I go home, despite losing, my two little puppies will still greet me with smiles and licks to my face.

This is but a blip in time, a hard moment to accept and an even harder lesson to take but I know you have to grow through what you go through and what doesn't break you makes you stronger.

Thank you to all my friends, fans and new found fans that were there cheering me on. I am sorry I didn't showcase my talent and really show you the fighter I am.

Thank you to my corner crew -- Coach Marcelo for his dedication to training me hard and being such a wicked coach, Coach Kulba for stepping up to be my corner coach under short notice, and Noël for being my biggest supporter.

I posted the above long message with a couple of pictures of my fight day on Facebook and Instagram because honestly what could I write about a situation I really felt I've never been more out of control with.  I did feel out of control.  I felt like I was somewhat drunk stepping into that ring.  The weight cut was way too much and I regretted having to drop the last 2lbs on weight day.  It didn't give me a full day to recover and, stepping into that ring today, I knew I hadn't recovered yet but what could I do.

The weight cut was extreme, sure, but so was my desperation to get in a fight before the year was over.  It's been two years I've been struggling to get a fight here, four fights cancelled, and one month left till I was about to lose my boxing license.  You see, I'm registered in Korea as a pro fighter and every year I have to apply to renew it.  Renewing it, because I'm not in the country, means having to call on my ex, Snickers, and ask him to help me. 

Do you know how much it pains me to be dependent on him for this?!  

I went through five months of fighting with him to get the Korean Boxing Commission to sign a letter I translated for them in Korean.  I couldn't just go to them, to KBC, it's not that easy, because my ex is also my boxing manager and business partner for Hulk's.  Nothing was ever easy in Korea and despite me not being there anymore, the stress of it still ties me down and hinders me.  That's why I was so desperate to get my Filipino license.

It was freedom.... freedom from him, freedom from them, freedom from Korea.

Getting my Filipino license, totally liberating.

So when I was offered a fight that was way below my walking light and about 2 weeks away, I took it.  It was the only chance I had to complete getting my license before the year ended.  It came down to the last month of the year.  It was tight but it was my only chance.

People will argue that I shouldn't have taken that fight but what's done is done.  I went through hell cutting weight and then stepped into that ring today and clicked into autopilot, but I had finally got my Filipino license.  I was finally one step closer from being free from him, from Korea.