Was going to take the day off today, leave Snickers to clean, open and manage the club by himself.
Then I decided to just take 4 hours off -- 2 at the start, so I could meet up with Rocket for coffee and get errands done, and 2 at the end, so I could attend a house party.
Ended up only taking 2 hours off.
I had already decided to take the day off training, that in itself was hard enough keeping, so a full day off work seemed like a double hard situation. On Friday we start cleaning the club at 1pm, an hour before opening, so I met up with Rocket for coffee at 10am and didn't return till 3pm. Snickers wasn't expecting me to return at all but it was a good thing I did. Upon walking into the club, the sight of my sports bras laid out on the juice bar counter, totally untouched from where I had left them that morning, left me scrambling to gather them. One of my sponsors was there and I was sure he had seen them but he was sweet enough to not comment though I know he saw it and I know he doesn't really view me as a girl. I am an athlete but I was a girl before I was an athlete and now I am both. Sometimes I feel like people forget that.
Perk of being a pro athlete in a sport no one considers "pretty", no one expects me to be pretty or lady-like and so I get away with looking rough, sporting messy hair and always being in sweats and runners.
Downfall of such perk, I feel like I have kind of lost my gender identity because people always comment on occasions I do dress nice or wear make-up, as if it's weird or odd. Consequently, sometimes I feel as if I have to over compensate and dress all that more feminine and put on the eye shadow and lip gloss when I do go out. I've even started wearing lipstick and I hate lipstick. I wore heeled ankle boots today and make-up when I went for my casual coffee date with Rocket. Snickers questioned me about why I was wearing earrings, the Corner Godfather commented on my look when I passed him today, telling me that he almost didn't know who I was, and even Rocket commented about my attire. "It's called I'm not wearing training sweats and runners", I jokingly told her.
I wish I was one of those girls who just got out of bed and looked girlie, instead of having to put effort into it. I'm a girl who just gets out of bed, knows they look rough and doesn't care because I get away with it because I am a boxer. I play that card well.
I think even my guy friends, my K-Crew boys, don't really see me as a chick. The other day I ran out of toilet paper while in the club bathroom. One of my buddies was in there, washing his hands, so I told him to go to the supply closet and bring me a roll of toilet paper. He brought me the roll alright. He also opened the door, passed it to me, closed the door, and then walked out of the bathroom. I was left dumbfounded sitting on the toilet, wondering if that seriously just happened.
Had a strange conversation with Sharkie tonight that is somewhat related to this, depending on how you view it that is. Sharkie was the last one to train tonight and, after he finished working out, he and I got into a conversation at the juice bar. He told me of the businesses he had started up in the past and how he had stopped them. He had a bedding company and asked me if I needed any blankets for my bed because he has stuff left over. Similarly, when he told me about another company, he asked me if I wanted 200+ small towels. He then leaned in and started showing me screens upon screens of extremely gorgeous-looking bras that were bombarded with rich colours and fancy lots of lace. Turns out one of his previous companies was a lingerie company. I didn't know if he was curious if I wanted any or if he was just trying to make me feel ackward with showing such bras being modelled by women I could clearly never look like, so I blurted out "ya, I can't box in those". He giggled and then just starred at me. "You wear bras, yes?" he asked.
"You wear bras, yes?"...what a question to ask, I mean, I know my running has cut down my "volume", as Snickers refers to it as, and dropping weight every so often for a fight has it's wear and tare on my chest, but I'm not exactly concave.
"Yes, I wear bras", I told him, "but I wouldn't know what to do with those or when I'd ever wear them", I added. Was I seriously having this conversation?! Was he offering me these stunning bras that look like it'd take more of a marathon to get in than my simple sports bras and how was I going to explain to Snickers that I suddenly have these overly expensive bras in my closet? Perhaps he wouldn't be surprised, after all he is close with Sharkie. Should he be surprised or not surprise?! I'm definitely reading too much into this but I think it's safe to say I've lost a chunk of my femininity and many of my guy pals no longer see me as a female. Perhaps Sharkie is just trying to help me out in this department, help me simply "remind" them, including Snickers, that I am a woman. I wrote "include Snickers" here because yes, he needs a little reminding too. Snickers and my K-Crew boy buds, they've all seen me in just leggings and a sports bra, and none of them are fazed by it. Perhaps I need to "accidentally" step out in one of these badboys in front of them, I've got the confidence to do so, show them what's really under my training wear. I feel like I'm turning into one of those ajjumas who clean the bathrooms while the dudes are peeing and both the guys peeing and ajjuma think nothing of it and it kind of freaks me out. I don't want to be at that level of comfort with them all. I still want them to see me as a female because I feel kind of ugly when they write me off as just one of the guys. Sometimes I really don't want to be one of the guys but instead the girl in the group they have to look out for. I can protect myself, don't kid yourself, but it's nice to have others taking on the role instead. I crave feeling like a girl many times these days now and that sounds so strange to admit that.
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