My father came out to Toronto to go to church with me today and after church we headed out to my brother T-Roy's house in the countryside.
Today I enjoyed Little R's 7th birthday day.
It marked the first family birthday I have celebrated with my family since leaving foe Korea in 2015. I have celebrated my birthday here a couple of times but it's not the same.
I've missed so much with my family and no one will ever understand what it feels like for me. To feel totally like I am in the sidelines, watching their lives continue without me via whatever pics they post on Facebook. Prior to Facebook it was just random comments in emails passed between us.
We all packed into T-Roy's house -- my dad, his wife's immediate family and their kids, and me. It was a packed house and it was noisy. Kids running around. One sister-in-law making balloon animals for the kids, another eagerly getting the meal ready, and the third teasing me about babies and asking me all about Korea. My brother was showing my dad his veggie garden while some kids played on the trampoline in the backyard and I sat in the kitchen window taking it all in.
My head hurt. I had a headache from the noise and sensory overload of it all but my heart hurt from knowing all these years they continually had met like this but minus me. I've missed out a lot on life and I've missed out a lot on family. Sure I have in-laws in Korea but that family isn't like this family. There are no real family functions beyond funerals, Chuseok and the Lunar New Year. Chuseok is coming up and I couldn't honestly be happier knowing I'm going to miss it. This year I'm skipping it and spending time with my family, my real family.
Korea, sorry to say this but today I absolutely did not miss you.
When my dad dropped me off back in Toronto, I hugged him, waved goodbye, and then I cried. I cried because I was so happy to have seen my family. I don't want to be that out-of-sight-out-of-mind aunt for my nieces that plays no real part in their lives. I want to see them grow up and today celebrating my little niece's birthday felt so incredibly good.
I feel like every week I am experiencing these first time experiences and so my emotions are all that more exaggerated and amplified. I feel like such a deprived child who was sheltered and held back from really experiencing life and so I find myself getting excited about everyday things that most wouldn't think two thoughts about. Consequently, when big things happen like going to my niece's birthday party, it's like a flood of mixed, heightened emotions for me.
I feel so incredibly grateful to be here in Canada.
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