Skipping the Screening for Some Honesty... Wednesday, January 20

Life isn't all peaches and butterflies and my homepage is most definitely screened with regards to what I post, but then again you already knew that.

Hmmm.... what "things" get caught in my screening process and don't make it online...

Snickers, that's who gets screened and doesn't make the cut onto my homepage.  And yes, while so many of you have taken upon yourself to private message me as opposed to leaving a public comment, I am quite aware that I don't write about him.  For the most part I don't even respond when people message me about him.  

The last time I talked to Snickers was Wednesday, January 13th at exactly 11:21pm.

Correction, that was the last text message I got from him.

The last time I actually had a phone conversation with him was Tuesday, January 5th and it was split between two phone calls -- first one was 1:39, the second was 2:27.  And that's a minute and thirty nine seconds, not an hour and thirty nine minutes.  I talked to him a total of 4 minutes and 6 seconds.  The last phone call before that was Tuesday, December 15th and that was for a longer chat -- 4 minutes and 33 seconds.

So there you have it.  Assume what you want.  People are going to assume regardless of what I say and what I write.  I came to Canada as a sponsored professional athlete but I also came here looking to find myself, to learn to breath again, and to escape a life that I was incredibly buried in that I felt I could suffocate.  I got lost in Korea.  I got so unimaginably lost there but now I am found.  I found myself in Canada and it's without Snickers.  He lost himself in Korea too but I'm not too sure on where he'll find himself.  He's just now starting to see the damage that has been done, not only due to the restraints and old school mentality of his culture and country but also his family.  

I don't know what's worse, friends who say they knew something wasn't matching up, that I wasn't happy, or friends who say I'm better off without him and then put him down for this or that.  First of all, if you knew something was up and didn't say something than that, in my mind at least, tells me you're not a very good friend, or good person for that matter, if you didn't at least inquire or voice up.  And for those who say I'm better without him and then talk down about him, hey, don't disrespect him.  He was the love of my life, the man I thought I'd marry till death do us part.  He made my dream of owning my own boxing club come true.  What has your spouse done for you?!  Exactly.  Give credit where credit is due but don't think for a moment that you're better than him to be allowed to sit there and trash talk him.  No relationship is without some faults, no person is perfect.  Our relationship had the good, the bad, and then the very, very ugly in it but it was my relationship and it was with him and I.  And as bad as things got, I don't justify the wrong that was done by any means, but only him and I know what went down between us and thus only him and I can be the judge of it.  Where were you when I was slumped on the bathroom shower floor crying?!  No where.  He was there but you weren't... exactly.

I love Snickers.  Snickers loves me.  But we can't be together.  We are each others poison.  It'll be the death of me if I ever return to Korea to be a part of everything that is attached to him and living in that country.  This has been the hardest thing for me to accept but both he and I have acknowledged it.  He called me up in December, in that second last phone call, and told me he wanted to start a new life.  I want to too and I have.